Automatic Writing: Nonsensical

So when?

I'm waiting and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to hold on.
The curb has gotten slippery and the flashing red lights are inviting.
Even the cold air can't hold my breath back, and I might step off onto the empty street and lie down and wait for the parents to come to work and run me over in the morning when they drop their kids off at school, I'll have an apple in my pocket, because that's the sign I dreamt of dying under when I was twelve years old my favorite things were books and stories where things had meaning and endings but this life seems to be nothing but false starts and short stops that drop off to nowhere is where I want to go but everything and everywhere are calling out to me with their voices like the void I keep trying to cover up with the self I've clipped from newspapers and put together with flour and water a real papier mache masterpiece and i didn't even use any elmers glue but I ate enough when i was a kid, or anyway I coated my hands with it and watched with satisfaction as my skin cells came off with it, giving substance to nothing it was like both things at once, but I didn't care whether the glue was more real than small things that used to be part of me because I was worried about lunch and what was going to happen in the next chapter and I keep waiting for that next thing to happen and I like the idea of dying young and everyone weeping at my funeral, but I want to leave something behind and lately I think I'd like to die older than I used to because maybe, I'm not sure if that's where you come in, every day it changes some days I think that the times we had were all that put coal in my furnace and that I was wondering where you were headed and can I come is that okay to wonder I don't know I just want some security I want to be sure about something and I want you to reciprocate who knows what love is anymore it has been thrown against the wall of ourselves to many times and now it is just as empty as I feel most days but then there are the times when it all makes a little bit more sense and I'm sure if I try yeah I could find that with someone else but I found it with you I'm not saying you're the one, you just happen to be the one I found, I put some quarters in the machine and I've never won this game before so won't you help and hold onto my claws? and we'll walk down the street and skip to some invisible beat I think I wrote it in my head when I was asleep in the dream we were jumping on grass as if it was a trampoline but when never came down the ground just moved up to meet us and noting mattered we held hands and I looked in your eyes and then on the carousel we leaned out as we passed each other and then that magic happened and the Sahara was suddenly a forest of things that I never imagined but you're from the rainforest or the arctic I can't tell because you can be so cold and never get touched by anything and I've been out here in the sand too long and my whole soul itches with the sand in my boots because I've been running after mirages and when I feel down into this delirium I have stopped caring whether or not it is the sun, it feels real enough to me and I wish that was enough because I can feel enough for two if you'd let me oh god who would let me? I'm so unstable and codependent that I can't decide what sort of soda to drink and that's why I need someone who is smarter than me to sort out the bad cans from the good ones because I'll open up thousands of them to see if the answer's at the bottom and I've looked through a lot so far but not as many as I used to the taste has started to turn in my mouth and I need some lime because my lips have receded and scurvy has started to take hold when I die don't throw me into the sea I want to be mummified and made into a statue as a warning for all the children, this is what happens when you grow up, everything becomes a disappointment if you let it.