Hunter's never stay married for long, they belong to the wilderness.

I'm sorry you're allergic to Octopus,

But damn it, I hunted this one myself.

And if there is one rule I live by,

it is we eat what I hunt!

I Wish We'd Never Met

When I asked to come

up to your apartment

I wasn't sure about it.

Because of the way you look.

I'd sobered up since the bar,

And I was less convinced,

That you were a seven,

You moved down

to a six or even a four.

I know I'm shallow like that.

But now I know,

You're just as ugly

as me,

on the inside.

And that's what really matters.

That Bozo

When I was little my Mom

Told me never to trust clowns

She said they were evil,

lying, cheating, sons of bitches,

and they were awful in bed.

That last part confused

Me as a child.

But as you can imagine

She was disappointed

When I followed

In my father's footsteps

She always hated that Bozo.

The American Family

I don't want to

open this jar of

pickles for you.

So stop asking.

Also I want a divorce.

And Your Mother called,

She's got Lupus,

And she's disappointed

With her life.

Harsh

"I Wish You Didn't Exist

So That Something Useful

Could Exist Instead of You"

I always thought my

Eighth grade math Teacher

Mr. Wong,

was a little harsh,

When he wrote that

on my quizzes.

Sometimes he'd just pass me notes

Saying things like

"You're the Worst mistake

God EVER made,

and I'm counting Hitler"

Now that I'm an adult,

I use a calculator,

and I vote against educational funding,

because it is cruel.

The Way Most Stories I Tell Go

Remember last week?

Yeah me too.

Zooked

My Uncle Ben was a weird guy.

He would take us to the lake,

To go fishing, in winter.

He would yell at us for hours to catch fish.

We always tried our hardest,

but we never caught any.

It is really hard to catch fish,

When your imaginary Uncle,

Is yelling at you.

Sometimes I wish my parents

never left me in Nebraska.

Stratego

A couple of weeks ago I received an eviction notice.

They had the wrong name and address,

But I moved out anyway just to be safe.

Some people say I'm too cautious.

When they say that I slap them,

and tell them that I take risks.

But that's a lie.

Hunting Porpoises

The Stutz Bear-Cat was the most

horrifying,

evil,

Automobile

That was ever made.

Part Bear, Part Cat

It could reach speeds up to what ever it was chasing,

and then lose interest.

Only a small portion of the population

ever bought them.

The cars were used,

mostly for hunting porpoises.

About Giraffes

A surprising amount of Giraffes

Can't spell their own names.

They are mostly illiterate anyway.

A lot of them try to get by on their looks and street smarts.

But in today's world that's just not going to cut it anymore.

Just Like Ansel Adams.

When I was little I used to

cover my bedroom wall with boogers,

that I picked myself.

and I'd say "I'm an artist! finally!"

Just Like Ansel Adams.

Madam Currie's Complaint

It was simple really.

Her Complaint was so simple.

"These radiation burns sure hurt... ouch."

If I Were President This is What I Would Say

Well Mz. I'm sorry I dropped your baby.

You really shouldn't have ever decided

That I was competent enough to hold

A baby covered in motor oil.

Really, that's ridiculous.

To The Man in the Ten-Gallon Hat, even though He doesn't own any Cattles.

You might like the way I talk,

Because I mimic you.

If you've noticed I use the phrase,

Ya'll more often

More often than I ever intended.

But it seems to make you happy,

and that way you won't beat me up.

Hooray.

Come On Winter Get Here Quicker

I like it in the winter

When girls where their coats

And hide their hair under little hats,

As if to say no, man you can't touch that.

You can't have that.

And that's alright with me because,

Bitch has ugly hair anyway.

... You know what I'm saying.