For You.

It snowed today. I thought of you all day. I'm filled with my sins and regrets, but loving you will never be either. I broke. I'm broken. I'm mending. I'm on the mend. I've got a week left of cigarettes. I've got a lifetime of push-ups ahead of me. I left you in your car. I cried at work all week. Going to the bathroom thinking of lying in bed with you. Thinking about how you kicked me out of bed. Thinking about how I couldn't stand up to you. Thinking about how I need to stand up for myself. I need to get myself together. This time next year I want to be happy. I want to match my insides and my outsides. I want to be healthy and free. I hurt myself on you and the pain was delicious and addictive and I want a thousand more cigarettes and a thousand more kisses. Sometimes you have to let things go. I'm not your villain, I'm my own villain. I'm not a hero. I'm not nice, although I really try to be. I've got a hatred for my body. I've got a soul full glass shards slowly turning into sea glass. I'm a box full of useless treasures that a run my hands through and hold up to God and hope that at the end they'll all be worth something, or at least worth the gathering. You said you don't know who I am. Well neither do I. I never have.

We start out as these beautiful little things screaming our heads off in laughter and pain and lately I haven't seen a change. I lifted my nephew on my shoulders and wished so hard I had someone to lift me up. I guess I have to learn to ride around on my own shoulders.